WASHINGTON—Saying their rosy attitude about the state of the election was not helping anything given what is currently transpiring, sources confirmed Tuesday night that the nation’s optimists need to seriously shut the fuck up as soon as humanly fucking possible. “Sure, things may look bad right now, but even if the worst happens, it’s only four years we’re talking about here,” said Santa Fe, NM resident Pete Mirenge, one of hundreds of thousands of positive thinkers across the nation who would do everyone a huge goddamn favor by closing their fucking traps right this fucking second and keeping them sealed for the foreseeable future. “This is exactly why we have a system of checks and balances—to ensure that whatever happens in the election, the executive branch never gets too much power. Think about it: Has any president been able to carry out their platform to the letter? No. Nothing’s ever as bad as it seems, believe me.” According to sources, a calm and composed Mirenge—who reportedly has about five seconds before his mouth is shut for him—then added that the country’s been through much worse and everything turned out okay.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Americans Describe What It's Like Surviving A Mass Shooting