JACKSON, MS—Urging every American to stay still and quit squirming, the nation’s overweight bullies announced Friday their plan to sit on you. “Rest assured, we will chase you down very slowly, we will throw you onto the blacktop, and we will take a seat on you,” said Jason Evans, speaking on behalf of the country’s portly oppressors, claiming that no one would be able to hear your cries for help because you would be muffled underneath his large ass. “We will sit on you so hard that you throw up. It will make us feel powerful to plop our chubby selves on top of your wriggling body, bouncing up and down with glee. No matter how many times you cry ‘get off’ or ‘that hurts,’ we will not move.” The nation’s overweight bullies added that they would continue sitting on you until they finished their candy bar.