WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the water seemed pretty chilly when they dipped their toes in earlier, the nation’s pansies announced at a press conference Friday their plan to gradually acclimate themselves to the pool. “It is our intention to wave our hands around in the water for a while before descending the pool steps one by one in roughly two-minute increments,” said shrimpy little spokesman Stewart Orvis on behalf of fragile weaklings nationwide, adding that should the water temperature at any point give them shivers or goosebumps, they reserved the right to retreat back up to the previous step until they felt more comfortable. “We expect our nine-part plan to take no less than 15 minutes to bring the water up to waist level, at which point we intend to assess whether we want to mill around in the shallow end close to the steps indefinitely, or if we would like to pursue going all the way under. Should we choose the latter option, we would then begin a second 15-minute phase of the process, during which we would build up the nerve to finally plug our noses, close our eyes, and briefly dunk our heads.” At press time, a spokesman for the nation’s jerks announced plans to just push the pansies right in.

Advertisement