Nation’s Scientists Announce Everything Science-Wise Is Regular

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WASHINGTON—Offering insight into what’s currently happening in the field of science, the American Association for the Advancement of Science released a statement Monday confirming that everything science-wise was regular. “As far as science is concerned, we’re doing experiments and all the regular stuff,” said AAAS spokesperson William Davis, confirming that they all go into the laboratories every day in goggles and white coats to do the science. “Beakers, test tubes—same old, same old on our end. Just the usual stuff like peering into microscopes and jotting down data. We’ll let you know if anything changes, but for now, it’s pretty by the numbers within every branch of the discipline. Chlorophyll is what it is, you know? We’re making discoveries, as we are wont to do. Did you have any science stuff you wanted to announce? If not, we should probably get back to the molecules and what not.” At press time, the nation’s mathematicians announced that everything math-wise was totally fucked.