WASHINGTON—Furiously lifting weights and flexing their muscles while wearing tight, formfitting shirts, the nation’s short bald guys announced plans Monday to become unnervingly ripped. “Today, we, the short men of America with perfectly shaved heads, pledge to build an obscene amount of muscle that will look insane given our below-average stature,” said short bald man James Sharpe, adding that he and hundreds of thousands of other men just like him would not rest until their biceps, pecs, and calves were extremely veiny and bulged out of nearly any outfit they wore. “America, you’ve been warned! We may be under 5'6" and have no hair on our heads, but that will not stop us from taking a cocktail of dangerous testosterone supplements, shaving off all our body hair, and working out until we can no longer put our arms down all the way. Also, we will continue to wear oversized sunglasses, clip our cell phones to our belts, and date exceedingly tall women whom we will encourage to wear stiletto heels.” At press time, the nation’s short bald men could not be reached for comment, as they were reportedly shoving their fingers into each other’s chests and repeatedly yelling, “What’s your problem, bro?