WASHINGTON—Giggling as they squirmed, sucked their thumbs, and fiddled with their pull-up diapers, the nation’s toddlers held a press conference Wednesday to announce their plans to crawl under the fitting rooms doors at Ross Dress for Less and say hi. “We’re here today to inform you that we will escape our parents’ watchful eyes, sprint down the aisles of Ross locations across the country, and enter your changing rooms, where we intend to wave and smile at you,” said toddler Xander Seales, adding that America’s 12- to 36-month-olds would first peek under the door and then maneuver on all fours into the small space where unsuspecting adults were trying on various tops and bottoms. “We may also grab your leg. When you inevitably ask us where our mommy or daddy is, we will suddenly realize that we do not know, and this will make us cry. Loudly. You will then be half-naked and trapped behind a closed door with a weeping child.” At the conclusion of their prepared remarks, the toddlers remained at the press conference for an additional 10 minutes to take high-fives from reporters.
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