WASHINGTON—According to a new report released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the overwhelming majority of the nation’s workload will be completed today during timeouts in March Madness games. “Our research indicates that over 90 percent of all work tasks in both the public and private sectors will be carried out in one- to two-minute bursts during TV timeouts,” said agency spokesperson Carrie Everett, adding that the vast majority of the day’s meetings and conference calls will be scheduled to coincide exactly with halftimes. “We also found that worker output will steadily dwindle through each successive timeout during the second half of close games, with employees unlikely to do more than quickly check their email in the final two minutes. In virtually every office around the country, the bulk of what will be finished today is busywork that will be dashed off during garbage time of a blowout.” The report went on to confirm that the entire U.S. labor force will grind to a complete halt in the event of overtime.
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