CLAYTON, NC—Emphasizing that the seasonal attractions would be scary and dark, the nation’s younger cousins held a press conference Friday announcing their intention to cry at haunted houses this year. “In the weeks ahead, as we attend haunted houses and haunted forests throughout the country, it is our plan to spend several moments shaking our heads ‘no’ outside the entrances of these locations, before being coaxed into the attraction already on the verge of tears,” said 7-year old spokesperson Matthew Janson, emphasizing that although he and his fellow cousins are now a year older, they would continue last year’s successful initiative of clutching tightly to whoever is standing next to them beginning in the haunted house’s first room. “Furthermore, when something spooky and loud unexpectedly jumps out at us, we will spend a brief moment wide-eyed and in total silence, but we will then proceed to cry for several minutes. We will cry loudly—I can’t emphasize that enough. Thereafter, we intend to bury our faces and whimper into the shirt of the nearest family member for most of the remainder of the attraction.” Janson noted, however, that the nation’s younger cousins hadn’t ruled out avoiding the situation altogether by opting to wait with their aunts outside the haunted houses and look at the jack-o’-lanterns until everyone else came back out.

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