WASHINGTON—After a court ruling approved AT&T’s bid to acquire Time Warner for $85 billion, citizens across the nation expressed shock Wednesday, stating that they could not comprehend why anyone would voluntarily choose to purchase a media company. “Jesus, who the hell would want to do that?” said San Jose, CA resident Drew Krasner, echoing the sentiments of approximately 328 million Americans who reportedly just figured people had stopped buying media companies 10 years ago because of how terrible an investment they are. “Sinking all that money into a mass-media conglomerate—I just don’t get it. It would be faster and easier to just light $85 billion on fire and be done with it. The one explanation I can possibly think of is that maybe AT&T wanted to flex its muscles and only made the deal so it could shut the place down.” At press time, sources confirmed every media company in the United States had collapsed and there were none left.
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