Nation Startled By Loud Noise

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WASHINGTON— Jumping at the sudden, unexpected sound, reports across the United States confirmed Thursday that the nation was startled by a loud noise. “Ah! Oh my god, what was that?” said 330 million Americans, noting that their heart just started beating harder. “Seriously, that was scary. It sounded like it was right behind me, right? I don’t know, I guess I’m just jumpy because of the volatile nature of living in a country that feels on the precipice of catastrophe, as the majority of us feel alienated by the exploitation ingrained within our hypermodern society. Anyway, whatever.” At press time the nation determined the loud noise came from the popping of a balloon.