WASHINGTON—With just days left before the election, the nation’s 150 million registered voters have started to remember the simple, reassuring comforts of entrusting control of their country to an extremely out-of-touch white man, sources confirmed Monday.
In the wake of the presidential debates, multiple polls have shown that citizens nationwide are beginning to recall, with great clarity, the soothing, familiar sense of security that comes with handing total domestic and foreign policy authority over to a sixtysomething white male who is completely cut off from any way of life other than his own. And with the country having gone four years without such a familiar, calming, clueless Caucasian presence in the Oval Office, experts reported the populace is now overcome with nostalgia.
“As Election Day approaches, more and more Americans are reminiscing about how much they enjoy it when an old white man who in no way understands them is placed in charge of the world’s largest economy,” University of Virginia political scientist Charles Overberg said. “Indeed, when voters consider whom they’d like to oversee vital social programs and embody the image of the United States projected abroad, the vast majority feel a sense of comfort and safety upon contemplating the familiar, reassuring light-skinned face of a man who is utterly incapable of connecting with them or anyone else of their socioeconomic status in any meaningful way.”
“In particular, citizens feel the greatest sense of contentment with an outrageously privileged Caucasian man who has never experienced any adversity whatsoever,” Overberg continued. “It’s nearly universal—Americans just have a soft spot for granting unfathomable power to white, backward-thinking 60-year-old men.”
According to a Reuters/Ipsos poll conducted this week, more than 80 percent of likely voters said they felt “calmed” and “soothed” upon picturing the nation’s commander in chief as a detached Caucasian male, while 9 out of 10 admitted they were comforted by the idea of once again placing the future of Social Security and health care in the hands of an older gentleman of European descent who is starkly disconnected from everyday reality.
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Additionally, all 1,214 survey respondents agreed they would feel most reassured by a U.S. president who had experienced an easy, unimpeded path to success by being born into remarkable wealth.
“I really like when the guy in charge of the country is white and doesn’t understand me,” said unemployed Cincinnati resident Marquis Washington, 46, who stated that he preferred an out-of-touch white man to a nonwhite man, a relatable white man, or a woman of any race when it came to issues such as taxes, national security, energy, and trade. “It’s a comforting feeling to see a self-involved rich white man in the White House.”
“It just feels right, you know?” added Washington, smiling.
According to numerous reports, the trend extends across nearly all demographic groups, with minorities, young people, and homosexuals unanimously saying they experienced feelings of relief and inclusion when they imagined another bumbling, white, ultra-wealthy male being placed in charge of the nation’s immigration, education, and social policies.
Women in particular said they felt a strong and welcome sense of contentment and security when thinking about a graying, emotionally inauthentic Anglo-Saxon male having ultimate say over their personal health decisions and economic opportunities.
“I can’t explain how nice it is to think about entrusting the issues that matter most to me to an old, desperately out-of-touch white man who’s essentially a relic of an earlier, less enlightened era,” said single mother of four Michelle Gregorek, 35, of Virginia Beach, VA. “And knowing that such a man could make pivotal Supreme Court appointments that could overturn so many of the freedoms I enjoy as a woman and a citizen, it really puts my mind at ease.”
The latest tracking polls of undecided voters show that many have made firm decisions in recent days after suddenly recalling that pleasing feeling of living under a regressive-minded Caucasian president, with several confirming how heartening and “special” it felt to envision another extremely privileged white man occupying the most powerful position on earth.
“I had been going back and forth for months, but when it comes down to it, I just want to make a decision that gives me a sense of total reassurance,” said Rosa Alvarez, a 30-year-old cashier from Reno, NV. “When I consider all the major issues that will be addressed in the next four years, it just feels so much better giving ultimate decision-making authority back to a good, old-fashioned white man with absolutely no concept of how I live, or how the world works.”
“And when you think about it,” Alvarez added, “doesn’t having a woefully out-of-touch white president just seem like the way it’s supposed to be?”