WASHINGTON—Hoping to move forward and find common ground upon which the unified will of its people might gain a foothold, the United States, a nation that cannot agree on a uniform set of rules for Uno, is currently attempting to reach an ideological and political consensus, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We, a people unable to play a simple family card game without the whole thing devolving into a screaming match over whether one draw-four card can be played on another draw-four card to force the next consecutive player to draw eight cards, believe we can come to terms on the best way to achieve a just society,” said all 330 million Americans, many of whom voted last month to send a divided Congress to Washington and cannot see eye to eye on whether the person who goes first in an Uno game should be the player to the left of the dealer or the youngest player. “Though we may have different beliefs on whether you only have to draw one card when you can’t play or must continue drawing until you receive a card you can play, we trust our democracy will prove representative enough to craft policies that reflect the values of us all.” At press time, after they played their next-to-last card and another player called out “Uno” before they could, the American people reportedly flipped over the table and walked out of the room.
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