‘Maybe She’ll Be Attractive Later,’ Say Citizens
WASHINGTON—Expressing profound confusion and distress at what they were witnessing, the U.S. populace was unable to discern why an unattractive woman was suddenly on screen in front of them, sources reported Thursday.
Americans across the country said they struggled to comprehend what was happening when, with no warning at all, the woman who was not conventionally attractive appeared on screen and remained there. Astonished citizens told reporters that, despite carefully scrutinizing the woman, they could find nothing whatsoever alluring about her, and could only speculate that she might very soon receive a makeover or even radical plastic surgery to become attractive.
“I was just watching TV, and all of a sudden it was like, ‘Wait, what? Who is this? Why is this happening?’” said 34-year-old financial planner Frank Ramos, who was among the millions of Americans who believed there might be something wrong with their televisions when the woman first appeared. “Maybe she’s got some sort of illness and will be pretty once she recovers from it? Oh, I bet she’s a beautiful woman in disguise. She’s probably going to take off her wig and put on a sexy dress in a minute.”
“Huh, weird,” continued Ramos. “She’s still there.”
Many dumbfounded Americans wondered if the unattractive woman was on screen as part of an attractive character’s dream sequence, while others thought they were watching a flashback to when the woman had been unattractive and that she would be good-looking as soon as that scene ended. Some citizens posited that the unattractive woman was an alien in a science-fiction show, and that’s why she was not attractive.
Reports indicate that Americans furrowed their brows and looked around blankly before suggesting that perhaps the unattractive woman was supposed to be funny.
“Oh my god, now she’s talking,” said 52-year-old sales associate Jade Fletcher, who, along with Americans in every state, squinted and leaned in close to the television in confusion. “Am I supposed to be paying attention to what she’s saying? What the hell is going on? The woman she’s talking to isn’t attractive either. Is this a prank? Like a prank show?”
“Why is she still saying things?” continued Fletcher. “I hate her.”
A poll of U.S. citizens found that, when asked about the woman, 47 percent said that they must be watching a disturbing documentary, 31 percent concluded that the woman was a casual acquaintance of the attractive main character who would leave forever after a mercifully brief interaction, and 22 percent simply stammered, scratched their heads, and admitted that they could not possibly answer the question.
Reports indicate that tens of millions of Americans then stared at the tree next to the unattractive woman for several seconds, determining that it was likely the focus of the scene in the first place.
According to sources, Americans were relieved when the unattractive woman went off screen for a few seconds, but they were completely dumbstruck when she returned without even bringing a more attractive person with her, prompting many to express even deeper bewilderment when they regained their powers of speech.
“Maybe she’s going to get killed,” said 29-year-old programmer Evan Cornish, visibly brightening upon possibly having discovered the reason for the unattractive woman’s continued presence. “Yeah, I think I understand now. She’s going to be murdered because that’s somehow part of the attractive woman’s character development—she does have a purpose after all.”
“I just hope she dies soon,” Cornish continued.
At press time, Americans had turned their televisions off and thrown their remotes across the room in frustration after a different woman came on screen who was clearly not in her 20s.