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Nation Unable To Enjoy Baseball Without Dozens Of Pitchers Hitting .124

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LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Lamenting that it would never again be able to relish the game as it was intended, the nation reportedly admitted Friday that it was unable to enjoy baseball without dozens of pitchers hitting .124. “How am I supposed to find these games interesting without the ninth batter being some overmatched pitcher who swings and misses three straight times for an out?” asked former St. Louis Cardinals fan Jerry O’Shea, echoing complaints from millions of Americans across the country who no longer find baseball entertaining now that Major League Baseball’s new universal designated-hitter rule has ensured they will never see a pitcher grounding out to kill a rally ever again. “The most fascinating part about baseball was watching the pitcher have to trudge up there and execute the worst bunt you’ve ever seen, or take three pitches because his manager’s worried about him getting injured. I just can’t get excited about seeing two lineups go to plate if neither features a pitcher who bats in the low .100s and feebly fouls out to third. And don’t even get me started on how we’ve lost the complicated double switch substitutions that were confusing and slowed the game down—I might miss those most of all.” The nation added that the only thing keeping it even mildly interested in baseball was watching overweight catchers and first basemen run the bases really slowly.