WASHINGTON—Insisting that at no point in the organization’s history had its mission been more important, members of the National Friends Alliance held a press conference Tuesday in which they offered a forceful defense of the freedom to pal around with your buds and have a great time. “For nearly 250 years, the NFA has championed the sacred American right to just hang out and have fun with your boys, and now more than ever, our message must be heard,” said Alliance president Phil Haskill, who was joined on stage by several members of his organization as he stressed that all people, regardless of culture or creed, deserve the opportunity to chill with their bros, amigos, or homies. “We must stand in solidarity and say, ‘Enough is enough.’ That’s why today, together with the Consortium of Best Mates in the United Kingdom, we have issued a declaration stating that we will not rest until we can be certain the right to unwind and let loose with one’s closest compadres is safe for generations to come.” At press time, reports confirmed tens of millions of Americans had responded to the announcement by saying all of this sounded cool and they’d be right over.

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