WASHINGTON—Urging citizens not to spend it all in one place, the National Grandpa Council announced Tuesday a plan to allocate $300 million to provide each American with some walkin’ around money. “We heard you all have been working very hard lately, so we thought you deserved a few clams to treat yourselves to something special like a nice pack of Juicy Fruit gum or a balsa wood airplane,” said National Grandpa Council president Bob Platt, noting that Americans should expect to receive anywhere from 50 cents to $1 in loose coins fished from pockets and change bowls of the council members. “Now, it’s our job to spoil you a bit, so take this down to the soda shop or the picture show and have a little fun. Everyone is getting a shiny quarter, and a few of you lucky ducks will get a crisp dollar bill. Simply knowing you kids are out there having a swell time at the burger joint, ice cream social, or sock hop makes us grandpas feel pretty special.” At press time, the National Association of Moms was insisting the U.S. populace sit down and write a thank-you note before they would be allowed to go on a spending spree.
More from The Onion