SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Emphasizing the importance of staying cool and hydrated during the record-breaking temperatures, the National Weather Service stressed Thursday that those in the path of the upcoming heat wave should crawl towards the sparkling, cold spring shimmering at the edge of their vision. “Should you, in a moment of thirst, suddenly hear the sound of running water, or spot a picturesque, babbling brook in the distance, we urge you to drop to your knees and pull yourself towards it,” said director of the National Weather Service Dr. Louis W. Uccellini, instructing the 70 million Americans affected by extreme heat to be extra vigilant should they see a shaded area, a waterfall, or a group of naked women splashing in the water beckoning them to come swim. “Especially in areas with the highest temperatures, we advise Americans to immediately yell ‘thank God’ before using their last remaining strength to claw their way towards the oasis. Then, should you ever reach it, don’t hesitate to take off your clothes, jump in, and drink the freezing cold water straight from your hands.” At press time, the National Weather Service apologized after millions of Americans had injured themselves attempting to dive into the spring, only to smash their heads on a concrete sidewalk.
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