LOS ANGELES—In an effort to win over insomnia sufferers worried about side effects, dietary supplement brand Nature Made introduced a new melatonin formula Tuesday that promises 40% fewer nightmares in which horrible writhing spiders cover every surface in the room and cannot be escaped. “With this new over-the-counter tablet, those who struggle with sleeplessness will see their dreams about hundreds of spiders crawling in and out of their mouths as they try to scream cut almost in half,” said company spokesperson Carlos Ibsen, who explained that after 15 years of research, Nature Made was excited to have finally developed a melatonin product that could regulate the body’s sleep-wake cycles while it also reduces the terrifying images of spiders bursting forth from massive, pulsating egg sacs that are common with the supplement. “For example, melatonin users who typically wake up shouting eight times a night due to dreams of being caught in a web while a giant tarantula feeds on their trapped, helpless body will now only have to do so about five times a night. Even nightmares of black widows crawling inside the sleeper’s ear to birth thousands and thousands of young have been partially eliminated.” Ibsen added that the new melatonin formula should only be used as directed due to the continued high risk of becoming trapped in a never-ending dream labyrinth of other-worldly horrors from which one may never waken.
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