CORONADO, CA—Lamenting the fact that he felt the need to hide beneath a wetsuit, an oxygen tank, and an aqualung life vest, onlookers told reporters Thursday that the Navy Seal they saw swimming in full tactical gear must have terrible body image issues. “It’s just so sad—this man is a perfectly fine-looking soldier, and yet he still feels too self conscious to show us even the slightest glimpse of his bare chest or legs,” said eyewitness Krysten Anderson, adding that it didn’t matter how much he weighed or how defined his muscles were, he should feel confident enough to do aquatic missions without being covered in several layers of neoprene. “Just look at his body language— you can see how self conscious he is of his core by the way he crouches behind his semiautomatic rifle. We all have a few problem areas on our bodies, but you don’t see me putting on 30 pounds of equipment to hide it.” Anderson added that the Navy Seal’s body issues may have been more deeply rooted than she originally thought, based on the fact that he started shooting at anyone who approached him.
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