GREAT LAKES, IL—Saying he was surprised by how much the maritime service branch focuses on the discipline, seaman recruit Nathan Hobbes confirmed to reporters Friday that the U.S. Navy now spends the majority of boot camp teaching its recruits to fence using marlins. “When I enlisted, I really had no idea that nearly all of my combat training would be centered on learning to fight my fellow recruits while armed with a giant fish that has a pointed, spear-like snout,” said Hobbes, who since arriving at the Navy’s Recruit Training Center has reportedly spent half of the 10-week program receiving instruction on how to prevent an 11-foot-long fish from flopping around in his hands. “I thought there’d be more focus on technical training and water survival, but it’s mainly about mastering the art of lunging and parrying with a marlin. The footwork in fencing is really important, too, because you don’t want to slip on your marlin and give your opponent an opening to impale you with their fish’s super sharp bill.” Hobbes added that while he looked forward to completing basic training, he was nervous about the upcoming overnight exercise in which every recruit must spend 12 hours inside a whale’s mouth.
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