LINCOLN, NE—In an effort to reach those 18 and younger who had turned to a dangerous false god lurking in the fields, Nebraska Gov. Pete Ricketts (R) announced a program Monday aimed at lifting children out of the cycle of violence they fall into when they join corn cults. “It is imperative that we provide deprogramming services to the young, impressionable Nebraskans who have been lured into the cornfield by a demon,” said Ricketts, referring to the mysterious deity who reportedly orders children around the state to murder and dismember local adults, the human sacrifices perhaps serving to replenish the soil with the souls of the righteous. “With community outreach and after-school programs, we believe we can reach the 37% of our children who, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture statistics, have drunk the blood of their peers after using corncob knives to cut pentagrams into their bodies. Unfortunately, this is a generational problem in which these kids don’t have any responsible adult role models to look up to, usually because their parents and all the grown-ups they know have been butchered or poisoned by the corn cult.” At press time, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack spoke out against the Nebraska program, citing the benefits of his own lifelong worship of He Who Walks Behind the Rows.
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