VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—In keeping with its core business principles and ongoing pledge to provide assistance to war criminals in need, international food processing giant Nestlé pledged Monday to set aside 10% of its profits to help fund genocide in developing countries. “We believe it is our responsibility as a corporate citizen to give back to the global community, and that is why one out of every 10 dollars we earn will hence forth be used to support ethnic cleansing operations in the countries where we do business,” said CEO Ulf Mark Schneider, describing his deeply held belief that Nestlé had an obligation to work hand in hand with authoritarian governments to address the issue of ethnic minorities who have been deprived of wholesale slaughter. “That means every year we’ll donate more than a billion dollars to build the vital infrastructure necessary to eliminate unwanted races and cultures from woefully overlooked parts of the globe. Whether it’s providing funds for extermination camps, forced sterilizations, or just plain old blade-on-bone massacre, this effort will remain at the forefront of Nestlé’s philanthropic endeavors for years to come.” Schneider went on to assure shareholders that the new initiative would not interfere with Nestlé’s longstanding practice of investing in employment opportunities by building supply chains that rely upon the forced labor of children.