Illustration for article titled Netanyahu Vows To Clog The Rivers With Skulls Of His Enemies In Last-Minute Push To Win Over Undecided Voters

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—Hoping the election day message would broaden his appeal in a close race, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed to clog the rivers and seas with the skulls of his enemies Tuesday in a last-minute push for undecided voters. “All who dare stand before me will be trampled and ground to dust, the fields will be fertilized with the blood of the innocent,” said Netanyahu, who campaign advisors revealed had carefully tailored his statement about dancing on the graves of his foes to allay the concerns of some independent voters. “There is no escape from the raging fire that will consume those who questioned me. The stacks of rotting corpses will blot out the sun. All will perish, all will burn, ruin and pestilence for a thousand years. This is the future I promise every young Israeli.” At press time, the majority of undecided Israeli voters said they were impressed with Netanyahu’s toned-down rhetoric.


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