New Claritin Flamethrower Incinerates Whatever Causing Allergies

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WHIPPANY, NJ—Touting the product’s ability to combat common seasonal and year-round allergens, pharmaceutical manufacturer Bayer introduced Wednesday its new Claritin flamethrower capable of incinerating whatever is causing one’s allergies. “Our new flamethrower is proven to be effective at relieving itchy eyes, sneezing, and congestion by quickly and efficiently reducing dust mites, pollen, and other allergy-causing agents to smoldering ashes,” said company spokesperson Elaine Ferguson, adding that the product is available in either a regular 25-foot or an Extra Strength 50-foot jet of fire—ideal for eliminating ragweed, trees, grasses, and entire mold-ridden homes. “With this over-the-counter treatment, you can simply look at the latest allergy forecast, strap on the Claritin fuel pack, and wipe out allergy-inducing plants and pets without a hint of drowsiness.” Due to potential side effects, Ferguson cautioned that the Claritin flamethrower should never be combined with alcohol.