PITTSBURGH—Boasting a 99% efficacy rate in the prevention of pregnancy, birth-control brand Mirena released a new corkscrew whirlycoaster IUD Thursday that reportedly gets sperm cells too dizzy to find the uterus. “With Mirena’s latest intrauterine device, sperm cells are placed in a miniature bench seat, strapped in, and shot at 12 Gs through a track specifically designed to make them so nauseous and disoriented they are unable to locate an egg,” said spokesperson Alicia Jenkins, adding that the 32-millimeter long IUD coaster would take dozens of sperm up a mammoth lift hill and then shoot them down at 120 mph around several stomach-churning twists, loops, and drops. “Once the device is correctly inserted, all sperm will spend three full minutes racing through a miniature vertical loop, an Immelmann turn, and a cobra roll. Even if they can survive the coaster without passing out, there’s no way they’ll get off being able to tell the difference between a fallopian tube, an ovary, or the cervix.” At press time, reports confirmed the Mirena whirlycoaster had been recalled after a particularly large sperm was not properly strapped in, flew off the IUD, smashed into the uterine wall, and died.