‘New England Journal Of Teen Medicine’ Retracts Flawed Study Positing You Can’t Get Pregnant The First Time

Illustration for article titled ‘New England Journal Of Teen Medicine’ Retracts Flawed Study Positing You Can’t Get Pregnant The First Time

WALTHAM, MA—Apologizing for what it described as a regrettable lapse in editorial judgment, The New England Journal Of Teen Medicine retracted a flawed study Tuesday that had put forward evidence suggesting it was impossible to get pregnant the first time you had sex. “We conducted a formal review of the study after we encountered conflicting data, including reports about our cousin’s friend Haley, who apparently got pregnant the same night she lost her virginity,” said editor-in-chief Tyler Koutsis, 15, acknowledging that the paper, “The Effect Of Cherry-Popping On Human Fertility,” did not meet the rigorous scientific and academic standards of the esteemed adolescent medical journal. “Also, we heard about this girl at Watertown High who got knocked up the first time she let her boyfriend do anything more than just stick the tip in. While there is no excuse for this failure of due diligence on our part, we did have reason to be confident in the study’s authors, these two guys who are sophomores and told us they got laid all the time and knew everything about it.” Koutsis went on to assure the public that despite the retraction, the journal firmly stood behind a paper by the same authors about the positive effect of pineapple consumption on the taste of semen.

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