WOODS HOLE, MA—Illuminating the panicked and desperate final hours of the passengers aboard the doomed ocean liner, forensic divers from the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution found new evidence Tuesday indicating that the Titanic’s passengers continued eating from the main deck’s buffet as the ship sank into the ocean. “According to our findings, steerage and main deck passengers alike made an average of three trips up the increasingly pitched deck for different seafood and pasta options. Several of them even sat down and dined together, placing more and more matchbooks under the table legs to level the eating surface as the ship began to take on water,” said lead researcher Dr. Lyor Walker, noting that the knowledge that they were almost certainly doomed did nothing to dissuade passengers from the pursuit of all-you-can-eat-scallops. “While a majority of passengers raced to the nearest exit, we now know that a significant number of people displayed incredible stoicism and composure while fetching an entire rack of ribs and side of macaroni. These brave diners soldiered on even as the ship broke in half and lost electricity, rendering most dishes lukewarm at best. In fact, we must commend those men who courageously placed women and children in the lifeboats before rushing back to the buffet to grab a to-go plate.” At press time, researchers released a moving photo of the preserved skeletal remains of one tuxedo-clad passenger still hunched thoughtfully over a long-sunken dessert cart.
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