JERUSALEM—Saying they now understood the earliest moments of the Resurrection in greater detail than ever before, archaeologists from Cambridge University announced compelling new evidence Tuesday revealing that Jesus Christ lounged for an extra hour in his tomb before finally rising from the dead. “It’s important to understand that Jesus had been deceased for three whole days—he didn’t just pop up from the grave, ready and raring to go,” said Dr. Marian Sullivan, adding that physical traces she and her colleagues had discovered suggested Christ had sat at the edge of his burial slab for several minutes staring at his own feet, his death shroud still half-covering his face. “He took some much-needed time to just sort of zone out and shuffle around the tomb a little bit before having an extended bathroom break, stretching out, and finally ascending to heaven.” According to Sullivan, markings around the entrance of the crypt indicated that Christ at one point might have partly rolled back the stone sealing his tomb but then resealed the grave after deciding he wanted to lie back down just a little while longer.

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