OXFORD—Shedding new light on the history of one of antiquity’s most renowned archives, researchers at Oxford University announced Thursday the discovery of new evidence suggesting that the Library of Alexandria was forced to kick out dozens of creepy old Romans for viewing pornographic images on abacuses. “Oxford university archives contain several hitherto untranslated scrolls dating from the third century B.C., the library’s most prosperous period, which make several mentions of tawdry, unwashed Romans pleasuring themselves at the library’s abacus stations while parents tried to herd their children past,” said historian Allen Boisvert, noting that as the library declined due to the neglect and lack of funds that it suffered under the Roman Principate, there were likely fewer and fewer staff members who could tell these degenerates to leave. “This evidence is confirmed by the extant diary entries of the scholar Zenodotus of Ephesus that describe confronting a wizened man, ‘his toga anointed with night-soil and his beard bedewed with sour wine,’ who continued using the abacus to display erect phalluses and to spell out the word ubera, or ‘boobs’ in Latin, despite the protestations of the librarian and repeated threats of a lifetime ban.” Boisvert added that research further indicated that the burning of the Library of Alexandria in 272 A.D. displaced these elderly degenerates into the streets of Alexandria, where many wandered around the local coliseum making lewd gestures at women.