SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing the product as a huge step forward in health monitor technology, representatives from Fitbit held a product-reveal event today at which shareholders were shown a new fitness tracker capable of monitoring the amount of exercise the wearer watches on television. “Using the latest in optical nerve monitoring, the Fitbit Tele-View Alta allows users to set and achieve goals for watching televised activity of all types,” said Fitbit CEO James Park, emphasizing how the Tele-View Alta allows users to track activity from commercials, sports games, and training montages, making special mention of a feature enabling the device to remind the user to turn on the television if a significant interval had passed since the wearer saw a character stand or stretch. “I think our user community will be pleasantly surprised at how much exercise they watch, whether they’re catching a passing glance of a character walking on TV in a store window display or watching a home improvement host climb stairs while they’re at the dentist. As long as they avoid watching sedentary characters or seeing themselves in the mirror, they’ll hit their exercise-watching goal well before their viewing binge is over.” Early beta testers of the new Tele-View Alta have already figured out how to cheat the system by leaving the tracker in front of the TV while they sleep.
More from The Onion