OXFORD, UK—Shedding new light on the origin of the number, historians at Oxford University published new evidence Tuesday that the ancient Mesopotamians invented the concept of zero after catching sight of a total fucking loser. “We have unearthed multiple ancient cuneiforms confirming that the Sumerians came up with the idea of a number that lacks any value after they encountered a shepherd who was just a complete dud,” said Professor Patricia Cornish in a presentation, explaining how the creation of a symbol to denote the absence of material worth was a direct result of a group of scribes observing the pathetic existence of this total fucking waste of space. “They had no way of describing just how vapid this complete nobody was, so they devised a specific character in their numerical system to help them express how little the pitiful dope offered to society. It is not an exaggeration to say that the history of mathematics was radically changed the moment they came into contact with this sorry ass fuck.” Cornish went on to explain that this ancient Sumerian loser was so powerfully vacuous, that word of his lameness later spread across the globe to the Mayans, the Indians, and the Europeans.
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