WARNER ROBINS, GA—Saying that it should take up an adequate amount of the 67-year-old’s remaining time on earth, sources confirmed Thursday that local retiree Ned McDowell has chosen gardening as the hobby to tide him over until his death. “Right now, I just have a couple of peonies and some Russian sage, but I’d like to expand the plot over time,” said McDowell, referring to the activity that is expected to provide him just enough fulfillment and sense of purpose to get him through the approximately 18 years of his remaining existence. “It’s actually not as easy as some people think—there’s a lot to know about soil composition, and you really need to check up on the plants every day. But I really enjoy it, and hopefully this is something that I can keep up for a while.” At press time, sources confirmed a neighborhood florist was answering McDowell’s questions about the subject matter that will keep him occupied as his heart slowly works its way toward cardiac arrest.

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