RACINE, WI—Touting the company’s commitment to the development of humane products, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson announced Wednesday that its insecticide brand Raid would now include a spray that kills insects by making them cum so hard they die. “With Raid Climax, we can finally offer consumers an ethical bug killer that gives pests in and around their home a transcendent, full-body orgasm that is so gratifying and intense it causes them to explode,” brand representative Kaitlyn Garrett said as she described how the spray floods arthropod nervous systems with oxytocin and dopamine, causing pleasurable sensations to ripple through the entire exoskeleton, which then quivers with more and more force until it ruptures in ecstasy. “Users will first notice the insect’s abdomen contorting and all of its legs shaking. Then they can watch as it is torn apart, segment by segment, in a final moment of overwhelming, rapturous bliss. In the unlikely event a bug does survive the ultimate orgasm, it will try, in vain, to recreate the feeling by compulsively mating with everything in sight until it literally drops dead from the effort.” Garrett went on to explain that unfortunately using the new product may result in the consumer’s home becoming completely drenched in bug semen.
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