MCALLEN, TX—In an effort to teach other juvenile detainees to keep their distance, newly hired ICE agent Kevin Michelson revealed this week that he had established dominance on his first day by beating up the biggest child prisoner he could find. “Just to make sure the pecking order in this place is crystal clear, I started out the day by going up to this huge 7-year-old in his holding cell and just knocking the shit out of him,” said Michelson, who expressed confidence that none of the other child prisoners would mess with him after witnessing the beat-down he dealt to the “absolutely massive” first-grader. “This kid was giant, too. Must have been 4 feet 2 inches, 85 pounds at least—so you know he commanded respect. Thank God he went down easy with a couple pops and a blow from a nightstick. Otherwise, who knows what kind of hassles those child prisoners would be giving me.” Michelson added that while he felt secure in his newly earned status, he would still not hesitate to mace a 6-month-old prisoner who had been giving him the stink eye.

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