WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide relief from the burden of high-interest monthly payments, a new law will forgive college graduates’ federal student loan debt once all their dreams have been shattered, sources confirmed Thursday. “Instead of spending decades weighed down by their loans, borrowers will now qualify to have those obligations wiped away the moment they completely abandon every aspiration they’ve ever had for their adult life,” said Department of Education spokesperson Jill Moore, adding that all outstanding loan principal and accumulated interest could be immediately discharged simply by logging onto the department’s website and confirming that no shred of hope for the future remained. “If you’ve given up completely because the post-graduate world has thwarted every attempt you’ve made to achieve even one of your professional goals, you should definitely consider this program.” Moore went on to say that the sooner borrowers threw away their dreams, the sooner they could take advantage of the new policy.
More from The Onion
Man Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving Of Life