EVANSTON, IL—In a post celebrating the birth of her daughter, new mother Nicki Dennings confirmed Monday that childbirth was, indeed, the most rewarding experience a desperate attention seeker with no personality can go through. “Wow, only mothers would understand this, but there really is nothing that compares to the experience of pushing another human being out of your body and building an entire identity around that single action,” said the 30-year-old with no discernible charisma or character, gushing over finally having found an idea of a self to latch onto and defend violently against those who “could never understand what this feels like” despite it happening roughly 385,000 times a day on Earth. “The whole time I was pregnant, I just kept thinking about how cool it is that I’m growing something inside me that I’ll be able wring attention out of for the rest of my life. I now believe I was put on Earth just to watch my baby grow into endless material I can use over and over again to steer the conversation back to me. I’ll never forget the moment the doctor confirmed that those next nine months would be all about me and what’s happening to my body, which I would use to cultivate a personality that included ‘mother’ and nothing else. I finally understand how my mother must have felt when she got all that attention and absolutely fucking loved it.” At press time, Dennings had commented that “it’s crazy how no one talks openly about the experience of being a mother” on 654 separate mommy blogs.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.