New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

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PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria. “If you like Mountain Dew, you’re going to love Code White. All it takes is one sip and you’ll start feeling the rush of your gut flora being systematically exterminated,” said Mountain Dew product manager Mark Aldag, boasting that extensive lab tests had proved the drink’s lethality to nearly all of the stomach’s bacterial phyla, including Firmicutes, Bacteroidetes, Actinobacteria, and Proteobacteria. “Whether you need a little extra boost in the middle of the workday or to eradicate an unwanted strain of H. pylori embedded in the mucus lining of your stomach, just grab a Code White and you’re sure to be satisfied!” PepsiCo officials went on to urge consumers to exercise caution, as any bacteria that survived the new beverage could be highly resistant to all forms of antibiotics.