ASBURY PARK, NJ—Saying their findings were consistent across all demographic groups, researchers at Rasmussen Reports published the results of a new poll Friday revealing that four out of five Americans would just fucking destroy a pan of brownies. “We found that if given the opportunity, 80 percent of the individuals we surveyed would completely demolish a tray of freshly baked brownies, scarfing down every sweet morsel without hesitation,” said Rasmussen statistician Jennifer Tracy, who added that if respondents had a glass of milk, the vast majority would tear through an entire 8-inch-by-10-inch pan of warm, chewy brownies in 10 minutes flat. “Among those Americans who would flat-out wreck an entire plate of brownies before anyone else even got a chance to touch them, we found that three quarters would not stop eating the baked fudgy dessert until there was nothing left behind but a few crumbs, and roughly half would continue housing the whole damn pan of chocolatey treats even when they started feeling sick.” The poll also found that an equal percentage of Americans would burn the shit out of their mouths attempting to wolf down hot brownies straight from the oven.

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