COLLEGE STATION, TX—According to a new poll released Monday by researchers at Texas A&M University, the death of a spouse is often the most liberating and personally fulfilling event of one’s life. “Despite the common notion that a loved one’s passing is a heartbreaking or debilitating experience, we found the opposite—that it releases within the surviving partner a long-lasting bliss where the possibilities for growth are limited only by one’s own imagination,” said sociologist Dr. Rhea Jepsen, adding that the feelings of joy increased exponentially according to the number of years a person was married. “Moreover, 82 percent of respondents said they felt a wave of relief upon hearing the sound of their spouse’s EKG flatline, 93 percent said they immediately enrolled in classes or booked trips they could have never taken with an ailing partner, and a full 42 percent admitted to dancing out of the hospital, buoyed by a newfound sense of optimism.” Jepsen added that the most euphoric feelings were reserved for people who killed their husbands or wives themselves.

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