CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash. “With this new innovation, we’ve cut out all the extra steps between procuring a napkin and then crumpling it up and discarding it,” said the company’s director of marketing, Chase Henderson, explaining that the ready-soiled paper goods completely eliminate the need to first spill something and then wipe it up. “For our initial rollout, the napkins will come partially saturated in your choice of chili, ranch dressing, or spaghetti sauce. Down the road, we’re hoping to introduce napkins that are already wadded up into a big, messy clump, so customers can simply place the entire 200-count package in the garbage all at once.” Henderson added that the company was also developing a new paper plate that comes pre-stained with a triangle of pizza grease.
More from The Onion
Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside