RACINE, WI—Touting the product’s ability to mentally and physically destroy insects via their deepest insecurities, Raid unveiled a new Confidence Killer pest control kit Thursday that fat shames ants into starving themselves. “With Raid’s new body dysmorphia kit, otherwise beautiful ants will hate their appearance so much that they will do anything to change it,” said brand spokesperson Christina Gordon, adding that the kit included a variety of tools, including dangerous diet supplements and heavily photoshopped images of ants with impossibly thin thoraxes, long antenna, and perfectly shaped mandibles. “While these ants may have perfectly normal weights when they enter the house, Raid will teach them that there are always flab to shed. Soon, the ants will become obsessed with burning calories, restricting eating, and hiding their bodies. They will have zero interest in bringing huge crumbs to their queen. Not that she’d eat the fattening morsels anyway.” At press time, Raid issued a warning not to allow dogs or cats near the kits, and to call a vet immediately if the pets show signs of depression or stop eating.
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