New Report Finds 72% Of Americans Planning On Ending Things With Brian Once Pandemic Over

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WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as the strongest evidence yet that Americans do not see a future with the 34-year-old X-ray technician, a new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 72% of U.S. residents were planning to end things with Brian once the threat of Covid had receded. “Nearly three quarters of those surveyed indicated that while it was nice having Brian to keep them company during a difficult year, they would definitely be ready to move on as soon as the pandemic was over,” read a section of the report, which analyzed the sentiments of 238 million Americans who had recently grown apart from the devoted hockey fan and craft brew hobbyist. “Within that group, 45% suggested it was fun while it lasted, but that there were just some major incompatibilities that they did not think they would be able to get over, especially when it came to Brian’s listening skills. In addition, 65% said it had now become a relationship of convenience more than anything else, and besides, they had already talked about breaking up before, so it was not like it was going to be that big of a deal.” The report went on to state that while the survey respondents who planned to end things with Brian agreed it would be cruel to do so before life had returned to normal, every single one of them planned to be out the door exactly two weeks after receiving their second dose of vaccine.