TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age. “According to our projections, within the next decade, conditions on Earth will become such that human civilization will enter a span of time best classified as the Ash Age, or potentially the Gray Epoch,” said the study’s co-author Kevin Reynolds, who told reporters that by 2025, Ash Age peoples will discontinue their city- and village-based societies and transition to the more common “roaming clan system” that will define life for the next era of human existence. “Our data indicate that the Ash Age will be further subdivided into three distinct periods, known as the Smoldering Ash Age, the Middle Ash Age, and the Wailing Ash Age, each of which will last for approximately 200 to 250 millennia.” Reynolds added that early calculations signaled the Ash Age would likely end around 700,000 A.D. and be followed by something called the Eon of Blood.

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