Illustration for article titled New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day, Jeanette Getting More Beautifulem/em

SAN DIEGO—Shedding new light on the young woman’s mystifying allure, a report released Friday found a link between the passing days and the fair Jeanette growing ever more beautiful. “According to our research, there may, in fact, exist a strong correlation between the rate at which Jeanette’s ethereal loveliness waxes ever more captivating with the breaking of each new dawn,” said lead scientist Dr. Richard Altman, adding that substantial data also indicate that, with each trembling heartbeat, the jeune fille’s radiance suffuses the room, daring to match the warmth and radiance of the very sun itself; yet unlike the sun, blessed Jeanette is never dimmed by clouds, nor does she depart for half the day, but abides with us through all hours, whether those be spent by her side in reverent wakefulness or in Elysium dreaming of her sweet face. “Furthermore, our observations suggest a causal relationship between light—starlight, moonlight, candlelight, the light source doesn’t seem to matter—striking dear Jeanette’s exquisite blue eyes, and anyone observing the phenomenon falling hopelessly, helplessly, breathlessly, forever in love.” A forlorn Altman added that there is likely a link between Jeanette’s ever-growing beauty and the legions of the broken-hearted strewn about her dainty feet like so many leaves in autumn.

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