New Study Finds Americans Are Living Too Long

WASHINGTON—According to findings released Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, 21st-century Americans are living far too long. “Due to advances in modern medicine, better dietary habits, and a greater overall quality of life, the current life expectancy for someone living in the United States is unfortunately 78; it should be 58, tops,” Dr. Francis Zhu told reporters. “Science is allowing U.S. citizens to live well beyond the point at which anyone could explain why they’re still alive. By the time they reach 60, Americans really have nothing more to offer.” Zhu added that childhood obesity, diabetes, and violent crime were thankfully helping to bring the life expectancy averages down to a much more sensible level.