PASADENA, CA—Concluding that it’s the most effective way of confirming your terrifying suspicions once and for all, a new study published Thursday in The International Journal Of Robotics Research has found that the surest method of ascertaining whether you are in fact an android is slitting open your arm to expose the circuitry within. “Should you reach a point at which you begin to question your own humanity, the best technique for determining if you are man or machine is to take a sharp knife and, beginning at the wrist, make a lengthwise incision on your inside forearm,” said California Institute of Technology professor and study co-author Tabitha Merrill-Hodges, adding that for the most reliable results, you should first check to see if you are being watched and then duck into a secluded location such as a dark alley or bathroom stall. “We found the optimal strategy is to look on in wonder and utter disbelief as you peel the skin back to find mechanical pistons opening and closing as you move your fingers. Ideally, there will also be a mirror nearby that you can use to ponder your own astonished reflection as it dawns on you that your most fundamental truth, your own humanity, was all an illusion.” The study noted that the arm-cutting procedure remains far more efficient than alternative methods such as waiting to see if your body sparks when you’re hit by gunfire or if wires spill out of the stump when an explosion blows off your leg.
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