CAMBRIDGE, MA—Tracing its linguistic roots back to a pair of strange little girls whose speech was incomprehensible to everyone else in their 5th-century Anglo-Saxon colony, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered Friday that English was created organically by a pair of reclusive European twins, who made up the language to entertain themselves. “Before spreading to the Germanic peoples of northern Europe, proto-English can be found several generations earlier in the babbled, semi-coherent twin-speak of specific Norman 7-year-olds,” said MIT linguistic anthropologist Dr. Margaret Strain, who added that evidence suggests the vernacular traces its foundational principles to the gibberish Olgë Leight and Auden Leight vocalized while holding hands, locking eyes, and skipping through their town. “After analyzing the scribbled notes preserved by their confused, disturbed teachers, we can say with confidence that these creepy ramblings inspired what we know as Old, Middle, and Modern English.” Strain added that these findings shed new light on the oft-debated question of why contemporary English is considered a weird, incoherent, insane-sounding language to much of the rest of the world.

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