BALTIMORE—A study published Tuesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University has discovered a correlation between breastfeeding and unequivocally knowing what’s best for other people at all times. “The data suggests that the simple behavior of breastfeeding one’s infant dramatically improves a woman’s ability to identify with perfect precision what’s wrong with everyone else in every situation,” reads the study, which observed thousands of nursing mothers nationwide and documented their heightened wisdom of postnatal care, publicly acceptable behavior, proper food choices, pediatric development, and countless other issues. “We found that these new mothers not only developed but loudly vocalized a greatly expanded comprehension of right from wrong, appropriate from inappropriate, and healthy from severely detrimental. And the effects were immediate, with women gaining this remarkable knowledge at the very moment they began breastfeeding.” The study also indicated that nursing greatly boosts a mother’s immunity to others’ viewpoints.
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