MALIBU, CA—In a discovery that may vastly increase understanding of the vestigial growths, researchers at Pepperdine University published a study Friday concluding that nipples evolved in order to stop mammals from voiding continuous streams of milk from their chests. “According to our findings, mammals steadily developed the nipple over the course of 10,000 generations in order to serve as a sort of end cap on the ceaseless high-pressure stream of warm milk they would otherwise have emitted,” said head researcher Dr. Christian Lemaire, who suspected that the milk functioned as both a deterrent to lactose-intolerant predators and a method of washing away vast swaths of topsoil to acquire deep-growing tubers and burrowing prey. “There is a real evolutionary advantage to controlling one’s steaming milk torrents; for example, the amount of food early man had to consume to keep up with milk production was simply exorbitant. We’re also fairly certain that the development of agriculture was significantly delayed due to mass erosion as millions of hectares of topsoil succumbed to the sheer concussive force of human milk.” The study also found ample evidence that Neanderthals, who were originally believed to have gone extinct through competition from Cro-Magnon man, simply drowned.
More from The Onion