YOUR LOCATION—Discovering a complete failure to understand simple English prose that was nothing short of unbelievable, a new study published Friday found reading comprehension is down significantly amongst the dumb fucks reading this right now. “Our data found that exactly zero of the knuckle-dragging dimwits currently reading this article are capable of processing words and deriving meaning from them,” said the study’s lead researcher, Caroline Yates, who described an alarming, across-the-board decline in the ability to comprehend nuance and discern subtext among the drooling rabble of perplexed simpletons casting their empty, glazed-over eyes on this page. “In fact, we found that you probably just had to reread that last sentence because you fucking morons didn’t know that ‘perplexed’ is a synonym for ‘confused.’ So let us spell this out for you: You no read good. You bad at word knowing.” Yates added that the inability of our shit-for-brains readers to mentally grasp these very words would not stop the numbskulls from smashing their keyboards like fucking Neanderthals to post the most asinine, meaningless babble possible in the comments.
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